I want it to
Go away
The feeling itself
And the way
It makes me feel
Yesterday
It refused-
Sticking around
Like a dull
Headache
Affecting
All of me-
Blurry vision
Upset stomach
Tense muscles-
So it goes
With anger
But like that
Dull headache
I know it will ease
When carefully
Tended with
The right remedies
Anger is listed in the stages of grief. But somehow, I was not expecting it to be part of my experience. That is not my personality. Nor did I understand its close relationship with sadness. That is, until this week.
Driving to work Monday, I had a sudden image of Mom and Dad at home. They were going through their morning routine, smiling. I smiled. Just as suddenly, I felt mad. Angry at the reality that he is not there with her.
Honestly, I did not recognize it as anger at first. But it did not fade. Two things helped. Naming it and allowing it to work its way out thru tears.
Smiling helps, too. It's just that some days that requires a bit more intention.😊
Tag: family
Simply Sunday
When our kids were younger, they would spend a week at my parent’s house in the summer. We would meet my parents halfway between our house and theirs. One weekend, dropping off. The next picking up.
This week took me to that halfway point again. Except for this time, I was meeting my brother. And I wasn’t dropping off or picking up kids. It was my mom. She was spending the week with me. ❤️
We had a great time. Lots of time to talk and reminisce. We laughed and cried as we talked about missing my dad. But most of all, we remembered. And remembering is good.
Goodnights
Tiny hand
Gently
Patting me
On the back
Head quietly
Resting
On my shoulder-
Hands folded
Held still
Near your face
As I tuck you
Snuggly in bed-
Seemed like
Overnight
You were too big
To be tucked in
Staying up
Later than
Mom and dad
A sweet
Reversal of roles
The big kid
Coming in
To tell us goodnight-
I don't remember
When any of those
Goodnights
Changed
But they did-
And that's ok
Preparing to be a grandma has me thinking about those early days and years of motherhood. They change so fast.
We are looking forward to welcoming sweet Emilia June very soon! 💗
Simply Sunday
The Firsts
I have felt
The joy in
Celebrating
The firsts-
Smiles
Steps
Words
Birthdays
The one being
Celebrated
Too young
To remember
Yet, later seeing
Thru the eyes
Of those who
Were present
Knowing their
Foundation
Was built
In love-
Strange how
Those firsts
Continue
But change
After one is gone
A birthday
An anniversary
A holiday
Without them
The one being
Remembered
Not here, and yet
Our tears
And smiles
Confirmation
Of that same
Foundation
Still standing
This is our first Easter without Dad. Just me and Mom watching church online as my Uncle James preached from the church where he and my Aunt Martha serve in Massachusetts. It was quiet. The message was hopeful. And we are thankful. Happy Easter! 🕊
Freshly Sliced Strawberries
A regular guest
Always
Managing
To find his
Way back
To this place
Always
Managing
To keep his
Path hidden
From his host
Which was okay
Reservations were
Not accepted anyway-
The proprietor
Remaining
Ever ready
To welcome
His friend
However long
The space
Between visits
With freshly
Sliced strawberries
And a kind word-
A life lesson
For other guests
Young and old-
All creatures
No matter
Their stature
Deserve freshly
Sliced strawberries
I’m not sure how many years this turtle visited my parent’s backyard, but it was several. When our family visited, we would go outside to look for Buddy. On one particular occasion, there was some construction involved.
Our youngest son, Ryan, decided Buddy needed his own little resort. Ryan found a plastic container and gathered some rocks. After careful placement, he added water. And believe it or not, Buddy crawled right in!
Today, I am grateful for this sweet photo and memory.
Poems From the Circle
Once again, sharing poems from the writing circle. I continue to be grateful for this experience. Can’t believe it’s been three years! Thank you, Ali, http://flashlightbatteries.blog for creating this beautiful space. ❤️
Sweet Dreams
Can you imagine?
Camping in the woods
Red-orange glow
Of the campfire
Smell of smoke
Sleeping in a tent
So serene…until
Seven little girls
Bathing in a
Small tin tub
On top of a
Wooden picnic table
Enter the picture-
Warm water carefully
Poured over each
Little head
The night air
Filled with giggles
As they dry off
In front of the fire-
Maybe not so serene
Except for the
Sweet dreams
Of sleepy headed
Children after
A busy day
Exploring
The wonders
Of the wild woods
A Little Longer
I seem to be
Spending
More time
Inside my heart
These days
Blocking out
The noisy world
Ignoring my own
Thoughts
So as not
To neglect
A single memory of you-
I know some
Will fade
With time
But for now
It is my heart
That holds
Each image
Your quiet strength
Your gentle smile
Your sky-blue eyes
It is a sacred job
This holding
So, I think
I will remain
Inside my heart
Just a little longer
Smiles and Tears
Memories of you
Make me smile
Fried chicken leg
In my little hands
Sitting in your lap
At the table
You are smiling
Wearing a white t-shirt-
Maybe that is
An actual picture
Not a memory-
Little red wagon
Transportation
For your first
Grandchild, smiling
As you pulled him
Around the neighborhood
Now that one
I can recall-
No longer having
The opportunity
To make memories
With you makes me cry-
A human response
I know-time spent
In the present
In the physical
Where Memories
Are created
For the future
But we are
So much more
Than the physical
Standing
In this present
Space and time
And though I may not
Understand it all
And sometimes
Feel sadness
In every strand
Of my being
All the way
To the core
Hope lives both
In the smiles
And in the tears
Simply Sunday
What am I?
I can hold
The weight
Of worries
Right alongside
The deepest
Of joys
I’ve had lots
Of experience
Held them for
Many others
Over the years
Moms and dads
Grandmas
Grandpas
As their arms
Held the tiniest
Of beings
Overcome
With love
Responsibility
And exhaustion-
One gentle push
Of their feet
Against the floor
And fears fade
With my back
And forth rhythm
That lends itself
To lullabies-
It’s okay
Sit down
Take a breath
You can trust me
Word List
I started the day with a two-minute word list writing exercise. Set the timer, start writing, and see where it goes. My list, not surprisingly, began with sadness and tears. But it ended with hope and future.
I haven’t used this exercise in a while. I’m glad I chose it today. Grateful for where it led.
My dad was proud of his grandkids and loved them very much. You can see it in the pictures. And they know it in their hearts.
He was so excited about becoming a great-grandpa. Even though he had not met this sweet new baby, he already loved her.
I know her mom and dad will tell her stories about all her great-grandparents someday. All the while, writing new stories to be shared in the future.
I can’t wait to meet our granddaughter…💗
What Do I Expect?
When talking
To my mom
On the phone-
To hear my dad
In the background
How’s my little girl?
When visiting
The house
Where I grew up-
To see him walking
Down the hall or
Standing in the kitchen
When far away
In my own home
Living my daily life-
To picture them
In my mind’s eye
By each other’s side
Each represents a truth
I have witnessed
Year after year
But sometimes
Life requires a change
Of expectations
Death is no exception.
Tho its shifts remain
Partially hidden
Until their time
Otherwise, we
Might not love
Quite so fiercely
Piano Girl 