I’m not sure
If sad is
The right word
I’m not sure
If sad is
The right feeling
Sometimes emotions
Seem to trade places
Not in a swirling
Sea of whitecaps
Tossing me from
Side to side
No, more like
A silent undertow
Gently shifting sand
Beneath my feet-
Knowing I can’t
Call you to say
Happy Father’s Day!
But remembering
All the times I heard
Thank you! How’s my little girl?
I often forget
The depth of the well
And its capacity to hold
The fluidity of feelings
No matter their origin-
Until one sentiment
Rises to the top
Threatening a flood
Before slowly floating
Down, down, down
Once again resting
At the bottom of the well-
What would happen
If the tide was not
Contained
Allowed to spill over
Soaking its surroundings
With grief, joy, sadness, peace…
Perhaps next time
I feel a catch
In my throat
I’ll let all of the tears fall
Then search for my reflection
Along with those of the
Blue sky and green leaves
In the puddle that forms
Beside the tree
Where I choose to rest
I’m getting used to
Not knowing
What to expect
Or how to feel
Choosing
Not to view
This turn of events
In a negative light
That would be
A contradiction,
Would it not?
Light has a way of
Lifting, drawing out
Right as the heart
Begins to cry
Whether the tears
Come from the reality
Of grief’s reminders
Or from the joy
Of new life’s smiles-
Light can live
In both places
Perhaps that lesson
Is teaching me peace
Even in the not knowing
I always look forward to poetry circles with Ali Grimshaw of https://flashlightbatteries.blog/ I wrote the above poem during our most recent circle. Thankful for this space and the precious friends I’ve met. ❤️
I don’t know how
To prepare myself
I’m not sure
It is even possible
Some things are like that
…most things are like that
But this is…different
A certain stopover
On this fresh journey
Known as grief-
So much can change
In the blink of a year
Starting a new job
Becoming a Gigi
Or, in Mom’s case
A Great Grandma
So much remains
The love of family
And missing you
Happily sitting
Soaking
In the smiles
An observer
Of the ones
Who make me
What I am
And fill me
To my core
Precious days
Marked by traditions
And Celebration
Momentary stops
On this continuing
Path called
Carrying Grief
Where the hellos
Grow sweeter
And the goodbyes
Last longer-
A temptation
To hold on too tight
Tries to sneak in
But letting go
Through the tears
Is the only way
To feel fresh air
Enter my lungs
Clear my head
And heal my heart
This Christmas holiday season has been sweet. So much laughter and thoughtful gifts, surrounded by my family. Not to mention the yummy food!
But I was not prepared for the goodbyes.
Goodbyes are reminders of missing. And we are all missing Dad. The goodbyes brought tears and swells of grief. But they also left behind gratitude. A reminder that the depth of missing matches the depth of love.
Since Dad passed, Mom has asked several times if there was anything of his I wanted. Initially, I took a couple of his sweater vests. I knew how much he liked wearing them. My mother-in-law made a sweet teddy bear from them that now sits in my studio.
When Mom would ask again, I really couldn’t think of anything else. That is, until this past weekend.
While in Little Rock picking up Mom for Christmas, I noticed my niece wearing one of Dad’s Razorback sweatshirts. It made me smile. And it helped us talk about him and how much we miss him. So, I asked about his other Razorback shirts.
Mom brought out two long-sleeve T-shirts and a jacket for me. I wasn’t sure if I’d wear them, but having them seemed right. If you know my dad, you know he loved to cheer on the Razorbacks. If they happened to be playing on network TV, he would watch. Otherwise, he had his radio nearby and tuned in to listen.
Well, today is Christmas Eve. And I decided to try on one of the shirts with some black leggings. Turned out to be the perfect choice. I miss him so much. But today, I am smiling as I remember.
Colors fading
Frail frame
Shivers
Awaiting
Winter’s coat
Yet, in the light
Of the morning sun
Beauty shines
Unmistakable
In a life well-lived
Grace on display-
Perhaps time
Is not a thief
Afterall
And instead
Brings us
To a place
Of inspiration
Able to set
A wise example
For those afraid
Of what’s to come-
Reassurance
Revealed
In the wisdom
Of so many seasons
Come and gone
Sometimes
Autumn leaves
Fall quickly
In an unexpected
Whirlwind
Causing whiplash
Not enough time
To sit underneath
Their wise shelter
No time to say
Farewell
Sometimes
Gentle rains
Arrive late
And the colors
Of Autumn are
Slow to change
Lovely leaves
Hold on just
A bit longer
An extended farewell
Still not enough time
There is never
Enough time
When it comes to
Goodbyes
I was anxious about the day-our first Thanksgiving without Dad. It was a lovely day. I enjoyed catching up with my extended family. Laughing with my husband and grown children. Snuggling with my sweet granddaughter.
Thinking about how to handle my emotions before the day arrived proved helpful. Though I missed Dad, I did not want it to be a sad day.
There was a moment when tears began to swell. I took a deep breath and snuggled sweet Emi a little closer. Then watched the day unfold-thankful.
I am learning
There are many ways
To express my grief
Tears, laughter
Listening
Remembering
But also through words
Not always sad
Many times sweet
No matter which way
I choose in any
Given moment
The healing happens
In the expressing
Simple recipe
Words on a card
Pat of butter
Two cups of flour
Ice cold water
The comforting smell
Of pie crust baking
Warm milk
Cocoa powder
Sugar, of course
Touch of vanilla
Continuous stirring
Required
For perfectly
Smooth filling
I can almost
Taste it now-
Watching my sweet Dad
Wearing his apron on
Thanksgiving morning
Remembering
With gratefulness
His smile
As I tasted
The leftover filling-
The simplest of
Ingredients
Transformed
Into so much joy
Yesterday’s poetry circle with Ali Grimshaw https://flashlightbatteries.blog/ was a precious gift. I am grateful for both the words I wrote and the ones I was blessed to hear. ❤️
Piano Girl 