Tag: fear

Stronger Than Hate

On By Piano girl5 Comments

I sense an oppression
More relentless than
This current heatwave
An already heavy
Weight of Worry
Now increased by fear
From hateful words
Spewed on repeat
Intended to threaten even
The most vulnerable-
Words holding no truth
Words intending to
Burn the schoolhouse
To the ground
Leaving our children
To play in the ashes-
And yet
We know
Light shines
In the darkness
We know
Love overcomes hate
We know
Standing together
In those truths
Is the only way
To permeate
The darkest of times
The hardest of hearts

Schools are like mini-communities. Each classroom is its own family. Everyone belongs no matter what. Learning to get along, solving problems, and growing. Playing, laughing, disagreeing, forgiving. And that is only in the first thirty minutes of the day! 😉

These are challenging times for public education. There are constant attacks laced with political rhetoric that have no place in conversations regarding education. Rhetoric repeated so much it has led to threats of violence. And threats only place another layer of fear and stress on students, parents, teachers, and staff.

My friends, family, former colleagues, and former students have faced those threats this past week. And though I am no longer in the classroom, my heart is heavy. I could not let this week pass without sending them this message. I see you! I love you! What you do matters! ❤️

Inviting Light

On By Piano girl8 Comments

Days when
Words try to
Stay hidden
In the deep
Crevices
Of my mind
No one else
May enter
Unless invited
I attempt to
Pry them out
Giving voice
To the feelings
Held behind
The words
While knowing
That sharing
The positives
Will prove easier
Than sharing
The negatives
Days when
Words try to
Stay hidden
I am learning
And re-learning
To write them down
Inviting light
To gently restore
The fractures
While easing my fears

Pulling Weeds

On By Piano girl8 Comments

Some are deceiving
Masquerading
As another one
Of the flowers
Hiding their roots
Amongst the foliage
Of otherwise
Healthy plants
And once unable
To contain
Their original intent
Begin showing
Tiny glimpses
Of green
Peeking through
In an attempt
To steal sunlight
From the buds
Preparing to open
Tricky they are
These weeds
Precision is required
To squash any
Irreparable damage
They might cause
It’s hard work
Pulling them out
By their roots
But only after
The labor is done
Will the heart
Be able to heal
And love bloom

Any guesses as to what I did this morning? I have no green thumb, but I enjoy the flowers in our front flowerbed. So, this morning I decided to pull weeds and do some trimming. Whew! What a job!

It seemed like each time I pulled weeds from an area, more would appear. And certain ones, well, their roots were strong. I’m not sure I got them all. Truthfully, I know I didn’t. But it did make me think about my heart.

It is easy to allow weeds to get in, tying me in knots. Wrapping around the good, trying to stifle it with confusion, anger, or impatience. A simple reminder to keep doing the hard work. And then stand back and enjoy the flowers. 🌸

What’s That Sound?

On By Piano girl5 Comments

I was listening to This American Life podcast on my way home yesterday. https://www.thisamericanlife.org/766/well-someone-had-to-do-something The stories were humorous, unusual, inspiring, and thought-provoking. But the two related to current events in Ukraine…well, words are hard to find.

One of the stories is about a man working to change the flow of misinformation to the people of Russia. He randomly calls individuals seeking to engage in conversation about what is happening in Ukraine. He is often met with anger, arguments, and hang-ups.

But sometimes, the person on the other end listens, even if briefly. Responding quietly, if at all. His explanation-Fear has its own sound, you know.

I have breathed
The sigh of relief
Heard pure joy
Thru the laughter
Of my children
Expressed grief
With sounds
Of sobbing
But what about fear?
How does it sound?
The thought
Brings
Only silence
Halts 
My hurried mind
Until heard
In the voices
Of others
Voices afraid
The next city
Destroyed
Will be their own
Voices afraid 
They may never
See family again
Even voices afraid
To hear 
Or speak
The truth
Others work
To forever
Keep hidden-
Listen…
Do you hear
The sound
Of their fears?

Morning News

On By Piano girl5 Comments

I sit quietly
In my house
This morning
Drinking hot tea
Watching the morning news
Never having experienced the kind of fear
That would cause me to flee my home
Searching for a place of safety
A shelter under the ground
Where explosions above
That will destroy my home
And those of my friends and family
Cannot reach my children
I don’t know that kind of fear
Not fear of natural disasters
Unavoidable depending on location
But fear of weapons
Created by man
Neighbor against neighbor
Strong overtaking weak
Seeking what?
Power and greed
Seem the most common answers-
I sit quietly
In my house
This morning
Unable to erase the image
Of a precious little girl
On the morning news
Her big eyes filled with tears
Hiding underground
Unable to block
The sounds of bombs
Exploding on the surface
Perhaps I should not try
To erase her image
Instead, let it sear into my memory
Reminding me to pray for light
To find her in that dark place

Finding My Way

On By Piano girl15 Comments

The feeling of being
Lost-alone-not sure
Which way to go
Is most unpleasant
I remember being
Separated from
My mom once in
The grocery store
A few minutes
Felt like a
Frightening
Eternity-
Other times
I absolutely
Was not lost
Knew right where
I was headed
And yet, that same
Feeling from
The grocery store
Seemed to creep in
Completely
Engulfing me
Perhaps it was that
Still, small voice saying-
It’s ok to change course
Go an unfamiliar way
Yes, it might be a
Little scary at first
But possibilities
In newness
Are endless

This coming June will mark three years since my first blog post. The idea of putting my thoughts out there for anyone to see was a little frightening. I’m glad that fear didn’t stop me.

I continue to be amazed at the connections created with people from all parts of the world. And even though different from close friends and family, they brighten my world just the same.

June also brings the release of my first poetry collection. I am still pinching myself. Thanks to River Dixon of https://thestoriesinbetween.com/ and Potter’s Grove Press, it really is happening! Not available for order yet, but for info about the book, check out the following link.

https://pottersgrovepress.com/product/if-i-were-made-of-glass/

Bird Songs

On By Piano girl2 Comments

Sleep came easy
Pleasant surprise
I thought surely
It would evade
Instead, it was
Baby sleep sound
I woke to a
Familiar song
But my head
Was still dreamy
Wait-was it a dream?
No-a chorus
Of birds playing
In the morning sun
Their conversation lively
And filled with hope
For the day ahead
I listened as they sang
Outside my window-
A window in the house
Where I grew up-
Now I sit outside
A hospital in the town
Where I grew up-
I sit and wait
Thankful for sunshine
And blue skies
Thankful for prayers
And loving hearts-
Thankful for the birds
I hear singing even now
In this space between
Worry and peace

What is one word almost always associated with hospitals? Waiting! 😉 But that is ok. My dad is not the only person in need of surgery today. We are not the only families waiting outside during these unusual times. Dad and mom are patiently waiting in his room, updating us with texts. We are enjoying the sunshine. I continue to write in between conversations. It is one thing that helps keep my heart calm. ❤

Power in Admission

On By Piano girl17 Comments

I have shared openly about struggles with anxiety and depression. And I recognize there is always room for improvement in my coping skills.  

If I remember to breathe, it helps.  If I think ahead, I can prepare for problematic situations. Nevertheless, sometimes things just happen.

My husband and I just returned from a trip to Yellowstone and the Grand Tetons. Beautiful does not adequately describe either of these places. The vastness and variety in these almost untouched lands are overwhelming.

And yet, even during our wonderful trip, anxiety crept in. We had been exploring Yellowstone all morning and decided to drive to the Tetons. This was the first visit to this area for both of us, an adventure.  

This particular drive brought a little more adventure than I preferred. We were driving along, listening to history and information about the area, when the road suddenly took us right along the edge of Clark Canyon.  

A quick glance out the window, and I began to panic. My body had an instant reaction. My heart sank, began beating rapidly. My stomach felt like it had been turned upside down. I wanted to crawl in a hole. Yes, I endured. But it was not fun.

Those anxious feelings crept back in later that night. I had trouble sleeping. Would tomorrow’s drive be similar? Slow, deep breaths finally helped, and I was able to sleep.

The next morning, we were on the road again. We had a basic plan of places we wanted to see. Our first stop was great! Some incredible, colorful geothermal displays. But soon, I was feeling afraid of the unknowns. Would we have to drive on any roads like the one yesterday? Just the thought and anxiety began to rise.

Finally, I said it aloud. “The thought of a drive like yesterday is making me feel panicky. I’m not sure I can do it.” After saying those words to my husband and allowing a few tears to fall, I felt much better.  

He knows me well. His response was reassuring. Soon we were laughing and ready to face the rest of the day. He even asked a park ranger for advice on the least scary route for our last stop. (Which apparently was not an unusual request.) 😉

Now, I would be lying if I said there were no other moments of panic. However, they did not take over my thoughts. My physical reactions were not as severe, and I was able to enjoy the beauty of the places we visited.

No, I did not want to admit how I felt. But, oh, I am so glad I did. It was an important reminder there is power in admission.

Grand Canyon of the Yellowstone, Artist Point Overlook ❤

Dreams

On By Piano girl3 Comments
Yellowstone National Park
Midway Geyser Basin Trail

Disappointment
Has the power
To freeze
Each fiber of
Imagination

Once faced
And released
Fears melt away
Leaving behind
A clean slate,
A catalyst
For growth

Taking a step
Back-viewing
The world with
Fresh eyes
Brings a new
Appreciation

Creativity
Awakens
Stirring
Both mind
And soul
Reigniting
Dreams

Danger High Cliff

On By Piano girl4 Comments

I snapped this picture on a recent weekend getaway with my husband, Gart. The lodge we visited was built on the edge of a cliff. Views of the valley below were breathtaking. Birds flew all around. It was a perfect spot for some quiet relaxation.

But that sign…I chuckled the first time I walked past. I even witnessed several people coming and going safely from the entrance to the trail. Still, I was hesitant.

After breakfast on our first morning, we ventured toward that sign. We walked the short distance down to the edge of the cliff. It was a narrow trail, but not scary, except for that “edge of the cliff” thing.

When we reached our stopping point, there were several big rocks-
perfect places to sit and rest. Some seats were closer to the edge than others. No surprise, I chose the first available seat. Gart, however, picked one just a few steps further.

The logical part of my brain knew he was in no real danger. But the anxiety, afraid of heights part of me-well, it struggled. We were both seated, taking pictures, enjoying the scenery. Both perfectly safe. Yet, my imagination had him slipping and falling off the edge.

Later in the day, I thought about that hike and the warning sign.
Life kind of feels that way right now. Like there is a danger sign around every corner. It is easy to become fearful and anxious.

At this moment, I am safe and healthy. My family is safe and healthy. But the news reports daily virus increases. There are increased warnings about travel, the importance of masks, and social distancing. Not to mention the impossible questions concerning a return to school.

Like the edge of that cliff, the potential for danger is real. And just like the warning sign at the trailhead, there are potentially life-saving signs offering help through the pandemic. But only if I read and follow the signs.