Words are playing
Hide-and-go-seek
With my thoughts
These days-
Right as I'm about
To capture one
It disappears
Behind an image
Or a memory
Before bringing
Another word
To the forefront
But only for a second
Continuing this game
Of trying to remember
All the things I hope
To never forget-
My brain says
There are too many
But my heart
Has trouble accepting-
Perhaps today
Is for finding
Only a few
As I sit quietly
Next to you
The house is quiet
I’ve felt versions
Of this quiet before-
A missing laughter
From the next room
Absent sounds of one
Coming and going
Or the rattling of a
Bucket of Legos-
Yes, it is quiet
But it is not empty
The space holds
Memories from
All that occurred
Along this path
Of parenthood
Love and laughter
Heartache and tears
So much hope and joy
Perhaps more than
These walls are
Able to bear
But that’s ok
My heart is more than willing
To share in the holding
Take a breath
It isn’t complicated
At least, it shouldn’t be
Most of the time
It happens with
Little thought
Until a thought
Becomes thoughts
And thoughts turn
Into questions
And suddenly
I’m seeking answers
For how to react
To the latest change
Then change
Turns into changes
And soon, there are
More than I can count-
Well, maybe
I’m exaggerating
Just a smidge
Concerning the number
Of changes, just not
The significance-
A house with no kids
For the first time
In twenty-nine years
How does one prepare?
Yes, I know-
Thank you
It isn’t complicated
Take a breath
Once again, I am grateful for the poetry circle. Listening, writing, sharing, connecting. ❤️
I wrote the following poem in a recent poetry circle with Ali Grimshaw. https://flashlightbatteries.blog/ I had planned to share it on Sunday, but a not-so-fun bug made its way through our house and left me zapped. So, Tuesday it is! 😉
Your world is growing
So quickly, I can barely keep up
Sweet sleep became
First smiles became
Babbles and the beginnings of words-
Simply sitting on the floor
Watching as you explore
Affords a new kind of joy-
Goodbyes are difficult
They make me sad
Afraid I’m placing
Too much pressure on you
Until I realize you are
Living your best baby life
Reaching, learning, growing
And I am part of your journey
Just as you are part of mine
When we know what our children want from life, we want those things for them. Whether it is finding that first apartment, going to college, getting a job, or finding their life partner.
That last one has its challenges. Finding that one person who gets us. One who loves us for who we are. But when it happens, there’s a profound combination of excitement and calm.
All that being said…
Our daughter, Rachel, got engaged this week! ❤️ Simply seeing the smile on her face (and his) makes me happy. And seeing them together gives me hope for the future.
Evenly spaced rows
Of gently waving wheat
Wonderfully wound
Bales of hay
Equally sided cubes
Childhood toys
Labeled with letters,
Numbers and pictures
Ready to be
Neatly stacked
Then knocked over
Only to be
Stacked again-
Little hands reaching
Sleepyhead resting
On my shoulder
Comforting weight
Beneath the rise and fall
Of sweet slumber-
Calm exists within
The routine
On any given day-
Whether passing by
Or sitting in the center
I don’t know how
To prepare myself
I’m not sure
It is even possible
Some things are like that
…most things are like that
But this is…different
A certain stopover
On this fresh journey
Known as grief-
So much can change
In the blink of a year
Starting a new job
Becoming a Gigi
Or, in Mom’s case
A Great Grandma
So much remains
The love of family
And missing you
Happily sitting
Soaking
In the smiles
An observer
Of the ones
Who make me
What I am
And fill me
To my core
Precious days
Marked by traditions
And Celebration
Momentary stops
On this continuing
Path called
Carrying Grief
Where the hellos
Grow sweeter
And the goodbyes
Last longer-
A temptation
To hold on too tight
Tries to sneak in
But letting go
Through the tears
Is the only way
To feel fresh air
Enter my lungs
Clear my head
And heal my heart
This Christmas holiday season has been sweet. So much laughter and thoughtful gifts, surrounded by my family. Not to mention the yummy food!
But I was not prepared for the goodbyes.
Goodbyes are reminders of missing. And we are all missing Dad. The goodbyes brought tears and swells of grief. But they also left behind gratitude. A reminder that the depth of missing matches the depth of love.
Since Dad passed, Mom has asked several times if there was anything of his I wanted. Initially, I took a couple of his sweater vests. I knew how much he liked wearing them. My mother-in-law made a sweet teddy bear from them that now sits in my studio.
When Mom would ask again, I really couldn’t think of anything else. That is, until this past weekend.
While in Little Rock picking up Mom for Christmas, I noticed my niece wearing one of Dad’s Razorback sweatshirts. It made me smile. And it helped us talk about him and how much we miss him. So, I asked about his other Razorback shirts.
Mom brought out two long-sleeve T-shirts and a jacket for me. I wasn’t sure if I’d wear them, but having them seemed right. If you know my dad, you know he loved to cheer on the Razorbacks. If they happened to be playing on network TV, he would watch. Otherwise, he had his radio nearby and tuned in to listen.
Well, today is Christmas Eve. And I decided to try on one of the shirts with some black leggings. Turned out to be the perfect choice. I miss him so much. But today, I am smiling as I remember.
One last sit
On the couch
Walk around the
Neighborhood
Swing on the swing
Slide down the slide-
Cleaning out
Packing up
Off on a new
Adventure-
Life’s changes
Don’t always
Provide opportunity
To savor the lasts
But when it does
May I suggest
Sitting on that
Old couch
Just a little bit longer-
Our daughter moved this weekend. Not far away, thankfully. 😉 As we talked about the specifics of loading and unloading, she reminded me of an earlier move.
The kids were young. We were preparing for a big move, and had a moving sale. Our things displayed in the front yard. I will never forget one request from the kids. Can we please have one last sit on the couch?
After all these years, I think I’m beginning to understand the wisdom in their request. ❤️
Piano Girl 