I love music. Music has been a constant in my life since I was a little girl. Sometimes it seems the only time my brain is truly at rest, is when I’m behind the piano. There are many thoughts constantly swirling through my mind, and it is often difficult to for me to make sense of them. I’ve found that writing them down often helps, and I’ve decided maybe it’s time to share some of those writings. I will begin on a rather personal note…
All Things Bright and Beautiful…
all things grey and gloomy
There is much discussion these days concerning depression. It is a very important topic. Speaking from personal experience, it is one that I need to talk about more often. It’s difficult to admit feelings of depression. They come in so many forms-sometimes sadness, sometimes anger, sometimes crying-almost always without explanation. That’s not to say that specific events won’t trigger depression, however there is often no clear answer. The reason-depression is an illness, an imbalance-not an emotion or emotional response, and certainly not a lack of faith.
My personal experiences with depression began over 15 years ago. I was a young wife and mom of three young children. We lived in a quaint Oklahoma town, had amazing friends, a “bright and beautiful” time. Yet somehow I found myself struggling to control my emotions. Feelings of frustration and anger, almost “outside of myself” experiences left me exhausted and confused. I clearly remember on several occasions thinking, “Why am I reacting this way? Why can’t I control this?” It was staggering, that feeling of not being in control.
Thankfully, my husband is one who viewed this as a medical issue that needed to be addressed. So I discussed my feelings with my doctor and began taking anti-depressants. Modifications have been made over the years, but thankfully medication continues to have a positive effect on my mental well-being and helps me cope with everyday life. The solution may not be perfect, but it is one I accept as necessary.
That being said…the depression is still there. Most days are good. But then a season of the “grey and gloomy” will come. Sometimes it will make me angry, angry that I have to take medicine, angry that I can’t just snap out of it! That’s when my husband gently reminds me if I had heart disease, I would seek treatment. If I was diabetic, I wouldn’t hesitate to take medications. And the list goes on and on.
As for my faith in Christ, I do not believe it is a lack of faith which causes my struggle with depression. On the contrary, my faith reminds me there is always hope. Hope that travels with me, right alongside the struggle.
“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.”
Hebrews 10:23 NIV