I was anxious about the day-our first Thanksgiving without Dad. It was a lovely day. I enjoyed catching up with my extended family. Laughing with my husband and grown children. Snuggling with my sweet granddaughter.
Thinking about how to handle my emotions before the day arrived proved helpful. Though I missed Dad, I did not want it to be a sad day.
There was a moment when tears began to swell. I took a deep breath and snuggled sweet Emi a little closer. Then watched the day unfold-thankful.
I am learning
There are many ways
To express my grief
Tears, laughter
Listening
Remembering
But also through words
Not always sad
Many times sweet
No matter which way
I choose in any
Given moment
The healing happens
In the expressing
Simple recipe
Words on a card
Pat of butter
Two cups of flour
Ice cold water
The comforting smell
Of pie crust baking
Warm milk
Cocoa powder
Sugar, of course
Touch of vanilla
Continuous stirring
Required
For perfectly
Smooth filling
I can almost
Taste it now-
Watching my sweet Dad
Wearing his apron on
Thanksgiving morning
Remembering
With gratefulness
His smile
As I tasted
The leftover filling-
The simplest of
Ingredients
Transformed
Into so much joy
Yesterday’s poetry circle with Ali Grimshaw https://flashlightbatteries.blog/ was a precious gift. I am grateful for both the words I wrote and the ones I was blessed to hear. ❤️
Yesterday, I
Suddenly remembered
How much I miss you-
At a wedding
Of all places-
Not that I had
Forgotten
It’s just that
Life keeps going
And the missing
Gets all twisted
Within the living-
Yesterday, I
Suddenly remembered
How much I miss you
But the catch in my throat
Turned into a smile
An unexpected surprise
My husband and I attended a wedding yesterday. The groom is the son of our friends. The father-of-the-groom speech caught me by surprise. When he talked about cultivating a friendship with his new daughter-in-law, I immediately thought of my father-in-law. I smiled at the thought of how we teased each other. And how we both had a sweet tooth.
Then I thought about all the others that have passed. My dad, grandparents, friends. But in this moment, it was not sadness I felt. It was gratitude. ❤️
One may
Cause me
To cry
Another
To laugh
Maybe both
At the same time
But I cannot
Travel
Back in time or
Remain endlessly
Engrossed
In a single
Snapshot
Even when it
Has the power
To wrap me up
In a cocoon
Turning my heart
Inside out
As it mixes
The broken
With the upheld
Before releasing
This time
It snuck in
With a dream
One of those
Chaotic
Makes-no-sense
Dreams
Ending suddenly
In a moment
Of clarity-
A familiar photo
From the past
One I have seen
Many times-
And I woke up
Remembering
How much I miss you
After a great first week at my new job, I wasn’t expecting a visit from grief. But that’s how it goes. My capacity to hold this grief will continue to grow. That acceptance that death is part of life. It does not make me miss my dad any less. But it does allow me to both cry and smile over sweet memories. ❤️
We grew up together. Cousins, a curious mix of family and friends. If I’ve ever talked to you about cousins, you know I have twenty-five first cousins on my mom’s side of the family! I love sharing that fact.
This group was enveloping. Some older, some younger, and some the same age. We played hard and fought sometimes. Learned how to hold babies when a new cousin came along. The older ones served as built-in babysitters.
Now, we’re all grown up. We each took our own path. Don’t see each other often, maybe at a funeral or a rare holiday visit. But when one is sick, as is currently the case, or facing challenges, there is a flood of memories and emotions.
In those moments, I picture us as kids again. Running and playing with no thoughts of accidents, cancer, or death. But reality snaps me back with one look in the mirror. The truth is unavoidable. We are no longer kids.
That truth mixes with our history, leaving me grateful that we grew up together. Leaving me wanting to say, I love you.
Sitting in a rocker in front of Cracker Barrell in Alma, AR, I almost wrote 1993 instead of 2023 at the top of my journal page. This spot between Tulsa, OK, and Little Rock, AR, has been our family meeting place for years. I was waiting for my brother to drop off my mom this time.
Many a summer or spring break adventure started there. Sometimes, it was our kids going to spend a week with grandparents. Other times, it was me having some extended family time. And when you have as many cousins as me, extra time is needed.
So, what took me back to 1993? It was an eventful year for us! We were married in May, moved in July, and had a baby the following December. And that’s when it all started. Traveling the highway between Arkansas and Oklahoma, sometimes stopping in the middle for a drop-off or pick-up.
And this time, the end result was great-grandma meeting great-granddaughter for the first time. 💗
I love the movie, Begin Again, starring Keira Knightley and Mark Ruffalo. It’s a story about love lost and found, life lessons, and family. All of it happens around and within the gift of music.
I was recently reminded of one of my favorite scenes. Picture two people traversing the city at night. Their focus is a portable CD player and a headphone jack splitter. Technology allows them to hear the same music in a personal way.
A version of this scene happens twice in the movie. The first time, one character shares a memory with a new friend. The second time, he is seeking a second chance. Just watch the movie. Trust me!
So, what would make me think about this scene in this movie while on a plane flying to Hawaii?
My husband is techy. When traveling, we are all set with earbuds, wi-fi, chargers-whatever we might need or want for communication and entertainment. Technical difficulties? He is my guy!
As we got settled for our flight, he handed me his earbuds. I scrolled thru my iTunes, checking to see what music I had downloaded. Music playing during take-off is a must! It helps me relax.
I fiddled with the earbuds and Bluetooth settings. Before I could make a choice, music magically started playing in my ears.
My husband, Gart, tapped me on the shoulder. He smiled, pointing at his phone device settings. He had connected both his headphones and my earbuds to his iPad. We can listen together. And we did! 🎶❤️🎶
Such an odd way
To keep track
Births and deaths
Life and love
Captured in
The minuscule of
Days, months, years…
Blocks on a chart
Giving the appearance
Of logic and
Organization
Life is anything but–
In certain instances
One experience
Can cause a
Shocking whiplash
Taking me from
The Present
To the Past
Then the Future
A flash of light
Revealing what
Time has passed
And where I may be
Once that same
Amount of time
Passes by again-
Not measured
By Perfect
Little squares
In even rows
But by a heart
Carrying each beat
Every breath,
Each smile,
And every tear
That fills this living
Today was our last day in Maui. Sad to leave but ready to be home. I will miss the slower pace of life here. It is refreshing.
A few things I take with me.
The constant rhythm of ocean waves- A reminder to listen thoughtfully.
The colorful contrasts between land, sea, and sky-A reminder to look curiously.
The ever-changing view from one day to the next from the same spot-A reminder to expect surprises.
That there is such a thing as terrifyingly beautiful views. Terrifying if only due to the path required to witness them.
And the knowledge that calm is only a breath away-maybe two. 😉
The love felt in celebrating thirty years of marriage in this beautiful place-Reminding me to be graciously grateful.
Piano Girl 