Heaviness weighs
Body and soul
But my brain?
The exact opposite-
I seem to be
In a sort of
Chicken and egg
Scenario
Wondering
Which came first?
Sleeplessness
Sadness
Grief, tears
Spiraling
Anxious
Thoughts-
I suppose
It doesn’t matter
Which came first
We are all in this
Together-
My eyes
My body
My brain
My heart
And thankfully, you
Right beside me
Reminding me
To breathe
As my tears fall
On your shoulder
Tag: anxiety
Circle Poems
Not So Obvious
Where am I?
Sitting here
With my feet
Firmly planted
On the floor
Well, that is
The obvious answer
But what about
Those answers
That won’t come
So easily
Answers that lead
Down a path
Holding only
More questions-
How is it a single detour
On today’s path
Can feel like a failure
Sucking the air from
All the colorful balloons
Filled throughout the day
Rising to the top
Leaving behind
Contented smiles-
If only I could
Erase the sound
Of the needle
Popping the one balloon
Not released with joy-
Maybe tomorrow…
Confident Cloud
This morning
I noticed sunlight
Finding its way
Thru layers
Of clouds-
Some clouds
Seemed to bask
In the light
Almost disappearing
While others remained
Dark and gloomy
Allowing only
A few rays
To lightly lay
Across their gray-
Oh, to be the cloud
Completely open
To the sun’s warmth
Boring a hole
Right thru its center
Confident it is now
Ready to face
Whatever storm
May lie ahead
I continue to be encouraged by and grateful for the writing circle. ❤️ If you are interested, check out https://flashlightbatteries.blog/
Inviting Light
Days when
Words try to
Stay hidden
In the deep
Crevices
Of my mind
No one else
May enter
Unless invited
I attempt to
Pry them out
Giving voice
To the feelings
Held behind
The words
While knowing
That sharing
The positives
Will prove easier
Than sharing
The negatives
Days when
Words try to
Stay hidden
I am learning
And re-learning
To write them down
Inviting light
To gently restore
The fractures
While easing my fears
Pockets and Pebbles
We drove under a canopy of trees. So thick in stretches, we wouldn’t have been able to see the sun even if it had been shining. Winding switchbacks took us to the top of Mt. Mansfield. We marveled at the beautiful views.
Some of us closed our eyes and held on tight at certain turns. Well…one of us did, anyway. But that was not the thing that caused me to gasp. Instantly feeling like a little kid. Any guesses?
Giant rocks!
Boulders with great veins of quartz running through. Some were standing solitary. Others were stacked, forming small caves. Even others with trees growing against their faces. Those might have been my favorite.
Standing in the shadows of these giants, the kid in me wanted to fill my pockets with pebbles. No, I did not. Managed to rustle up some restraint.
Instead, I stood in awe of these majestic formations. Felt the embrace of their cool breeze. Accepted their invitation to climb, stand, and sit. And finally, to walk away feeling confident, steady, and grateful.
A Matter of the Heart
I have a storage closet inside my music classroom. Shelves lining both walls hold musical instruments. There are stacks of chairs in one corner and drums in the other.
At various times in the year, certain sets come out.
There is a narrow walkway between the shelving.
More than once this school year, I’ve glanced in there with the following thought: would I be able to fit an entire class of students in here? I’m not sure. If I quickly moved some things out. But would there be enough time?
That is where I stop my spiraling thoughts. Any further, and they’d be unbearable.
Every day, I stand on the sidewalk outside my school. Along with colleagues and student volunteers, make sure kids get safely to their cars.
Several times during the year, I almost left my phone inside the building. But then one thought would invade-what if something happens? An emergency? And quickly, I’d put my phone in my back pocket.
I’m not the only one carrying the weight of such thoughts. But we rarely talk about them. Until another tragedy occurs and we realize it could have been our school, our students, or our friends.
I see the sweet faces of the Uvalde, TX victims in photos shared by loved ones. I see the desperation in the sobs of those left to mourn and question.
My heart breaks.
But my sadness quickly turns to anger as I listen to sound bites. As I hear political figures speak of rights instead of solutions, perpetrators instead of victims.
There are solutions. And please don’t tell me there are no laws or policy changes that would affect this epidemic of gun violence in our country. There are. And they are logical. Why do we refuse to take a stand in their favor? Well, that’s a matter of the heart.
Our descendants weep
As the blood
Of the innocent
Soaks the ground
Beneath the feet
Of misplaced allegiance
Outside In
Felt like a stranger
Looking in
A window
Confused by
The actions
Witnessed
Tones detected
Perceiving
A cycle
Of frustration
Embarrassment
Tears and
Exhaustion
Asking questions
Inside my head
What is wrong?
Why so upset?
Felt like a stranger
Looking in
A window
But I was not
A stranger
And I was not
Looking in
A window
It was a mirror
My reflection
In the panes-
A realization
That left me
Wondering
Whether to take
A step back
Or lean in closer
Admitting feelings of anxiety and depression is not always easy. And even harder to explain. This poem is an attempt to describe that feeling of being outside myself. Knowing my actions and feelings don’t make sense, but having difficulty controlling them.
I share because someone reading may need to know they are not alone. And simply put, it helps me accept my reflection with a bit more grace and understanding. ❤️
Take a Step
You haven’t been
Very happy
Lately
Humph!
I thought
Incensed
But I know it’s true
And those words?
Spoken in love
So, why is it
Still so hard
To admit?
As if speaking
The words
Out loud
Gives them power
When actually
The opposite is true
You’re right
I’m depressed
Not simply
End-of-school
Exhausted
Though also true
Today’s remedies?
Sunshine
Fresh air
Newly planted
Flowers
Only enough
Planning to
Ease some stress
For the coming week
Small steps
Moving me
Forward
Gentle reminding
Only I can take
Those steps
But I don’t
Need to
Take them
Alone…and
Neither do you
Reset Button
Is your phone not working correctly? Have you tried turning it off and then back on? Have problems with your computer? Same answer. At least, that is the answer if you ask my husband. And quite often, it takes care of the problem.
I’m starting to realize my brain works similarly. The only problem? My resets are not always intentional. It’s more of a hindsight experience.
Let me explain. My brain has been on overload for the past couple of weeks. Too many thoughts, dates, responsibilities, concerns, worries, etc. You get the picture. Partly because it is the end of the school year. The other part, well, that is for another day.
Gart and I drove to Arkansas last weekend to visit my parents. We took a personal day on Monday. On our drive home, I received a phone call asking me to play for a choir rehearsal Wednesday evening.
Yes! Sounds great! I’ll do it!
Of course, my answer came on a day I was not working. One day I was not thinking about all those upcoming events. Not thinking about how tired I would be after teaching all day Wednesday…
Wednesday arrived. I needed a nap between work and the rehearsal.
The music that I had little time to practice before rehearsal was by Mozart. Now, I have some pretty mean sight-reading skills. Legendary in some places. 😉 But an hour and a half of sight-reading Mozart? Well, there was no room for any other thoughts in my brain.
After rehearsal, I somehow drove myself home, made a cup of tea, and crawled into bed. When I woke up the next day, my body was tired. My brain, however, was calm.
Laughing to myself, I realized playing all that music was like hitting a reset button. Perhaps I should add sight-reading to my weekly routine. Do you think it would ensure a correctly working brain? Worth a try!
Renewal
The ground swells
From soaking in
The tears
Of so many
While the sky lowers
From the weight
Of sighs rising
In desperation
Space in between
Shrinks from
Surrounding
Pressure
Creating
A fear of
Imminent
Suffocation
What happens if the two meet?
The groundswell
And the lowering sky
I don’t think they can.
Other elements
Are at work-
Kind words
Caring smiles
Acts of courage
Delivering
Deep breaths
Of fresh air
A rebirth of hope
Many things feel heavy this week. Today, I was encouraged by the power of kindness. I also noticed our azaleas are about to bloom. Both helped lift a bit of the weight. 💛
Inner Voice
My brain hurts
Well, actually
I think it’s numb
Tired body
Tired heart
Words are
Bouncing
Around
In my head
Aim is off
Can’t seem
To find
Their way out
Maybe for the best
Probably wouldn’t
Sound the same
If I said them
Out loud
Perhaps writing
Them down
Would help…
Today, I…
Need to rest
Don’t want to listen
Don’t feel like engaging
Whew! Think I feel better!
After writing this poem, I had a revelation. If I feel this way some days, so do my students. And while I can put my feelings into words, that is not always easy for children.
Ok, so maybe this wasn’t a revelation, but it was a reminder. I need to be aware of facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice-mine and my students. Tempering my actions and reactions by keeping the clues close at heart. ❤️
Piano Girl 