Photographs and Memories

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I love photographs. They represent moments in time, ranging from silly to significant. Possessing the power to take us back, these images flood our minds with a cascade of thoughts and memories.

That is true of this photo. Pictured are the three amazing individuals who call me mom.  As a surprise for my 50th birthday, they secretly learned my favorite James Taylor song, Like Everyone She Knows. The picture was taken right after their living room performance, a moment which begged to be captured.

My husband introduced me to the song when we were dating, over twenty-five years ago.  There was an immediate connection, and I continue to listen often.  The line “hold tight to your heart’s desire” always seems to be speaking directly to my soul.

Now I not only have memories connected to the song, I also have this precious photograph.  A reminder of my sweet kids and their thoughtful gift.

A perfect moment in time…

kids song

 

 

 

Beginnings

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Beginnings are important…

Precious as the birth of a baby

Lasting as the first “hello” of a new friend

Simple as the start of the day

 

Beginnings are difficult…

Uncertainty of a new job

Anger due to unexpected illness

Life after the death of a loved one

 

Beginnings are lasting…

Challenges that stretch and mold

Tears that cannot be contained

Lifetime of beautiful memories

 

Saying Goodbye

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We celebrate life from the very beginning-baby showers, birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, promotions.  These events bring happiness, reminding us of the beauty of life.  But how do we respond to death?  How do we prepare to say goodbye?

Although I’d experienced the death of family and friends in the past, I’d never witnessed the process of dying until the passing of my father-n-law.  Our family was given precious time to reminisce, create final memories, and say goodbye.  Sadness mingled with gratefulness as we each had the chance to say,  “Remember when…?  I love you.  We will be ok.  God is with you.”  While coping with the grief that followed, my mom reminded me of the following verse:

”God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.  Therefore, we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells.”  Psalm 46:  1-4.

Today it is my mom’s turn to witness this process of dying.  She will soon be saying goodbye to her oldest sister.  In preparation there have been family gatherings filled with memories, laughter, and tears. Today my prayer is that mom, her siblings, and my cousins will fall further into that refuge and strength spoken of in Psalm 46.  Even though sadness and grief will surely come, my hope is for peace found in having had the precious privilege of saying goodbye.

 

The Spotlight

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Prior to teaching elementary music, I was a special education teacher.  Because of that experience,  preparing my students for our school’s Special Olympics assembly held an important place in my heart.  The entire student body would be singing a song celebrating our Olympians, and I wanted to make sure they understood the significance.  This was an opportunity for them to shine a spotlight on their amazing peers, peers who were often left out.  We discussed how each of us was special and had something to offer no matter our differences. During one discussion a hand went up, “You mean, we shouldn’t judge a book by its cover!”  Yes!  As the conversation continued, I was suddenly overwhelmed by a memory of doing just that when I was teaching special education.  I proceeded to share the following story:

One day a new student came to my class.  He was non-verbal, had vision and hearing impairments, severe balance and mobility issues, and only had one arm.  The first time I saw him, I cried.  How could I possibly reach this child? Certainly I was not experienced enough.  I felt helpless. And then one day a college student volunteer was playing with my other students on the playground.  As we lined up to come inside, He began carefully lifting each child so they could touch the ceiling.  Each waited their turn, laughing as they were raised high up in the air.  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my new little friend hobbling toward the college student.  He stopped in front of our visitor, and stretched his one little arm up as high as he could reach as if to say, “My turn, my turn!”  Squeals of pure joy came as he had his turn to touch that otherwise unreachable goal.  In that moment, this precious child was in the spotlight. 

As I finished my story, the realization that I had judged this sweet little book by his cover brought unstoppable tears.  My voice cracked as I finished sharing with my students, and I watched their expressions change from curiosity and confusion to understanding and compassion.  My unplanned confession brought new clarity and purpose for our assembly song preparation.  But more importantly it encouraged those familiar with being in the spotlight to look for opportunities to shine the spotlight on those not so familiar.

Unpleasant Companion

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Today began my summer music job with Rose Rock Opera Institute, bringing an opportunity to do several things I enjoy. Reconnecting with old friends, meeting new people, and most of all-playing piano.  I would be accompanying voice lessons for some amazingly talented young singers.

So why did I wake up several times during the night in a cold sweat?  Why did the day start with a knot in my stomach?  Why was there a veil of fog to push through while getting ready?  That unpleasant companion-anxiety.  Not the old friend with which I wished to reconnect, yet there it was.

As I prepared for the day, my heart racing, there was only one thing to do.  Keep moving, putting one foot in front of the other. Prayers, deep breaths and listening to some James Taylor also helped.

Please don’t misunderstand, I’m not suggesting anxiety is something you just get over.  I’ve been very honest about my views on medication and its helpfulness.  In this instance however, it was important for me to recognize the anxiety, name it, and brainstorm ways to cope.  Acknowledging its presence was the first step.

Did this unpleasant companion ruin my day?  No.  I did reconnect with old friends, meet new people, and play beautiful music. Although it faded as the day progressed, it did not completely disappear.  Will it still be tagging along when I return to Rose Rock tomorrow?  Possibly.  But it will not keep me from returning.

 

 

Paths

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We all travel a path

Continually crisscrossing others

Sometimes accidentally

Sometimes intentionally

Always connecting

When a connection is memorable

We pause and take notice

Should we choose to embrace our fellow traveler

Our path may change for the better

Our path may change forever

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Like Daughter, Like Mother

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I know, I know, you’d expect that to read Like Mother, Like Daughter.  People often describe how children look like, sound like and act like their parents.  As we grow older, we begin to understand the opposite is also true.  The voices of our own parents can be heard when we speak and their images seen in our reflections.  Perhaps wisdom allows us to see our children as teachers through a two-way mirror Continue reading “Like Daughter, Like Mother” →

Letting Go

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Why is letting go so hard?  I remember the day we dropped off our son Robert at college.  I cried the entire drive there and back.  Two years later it was Rachel’s turn.  She was staying a little closer to home, but it was still difficult to leave her in that tiny dorm room alone.  One more year and it will be Ryan’s turn, my 6’3 baby.  I’m trying not to think about that just yet.

Today brings a different kind of letting go.  Letting go of someone who was never mine, but who found a lasting place in my heart.  Today marks one year since my first visit to an Emergency Children’s Shelter.  I went to see a former student who had been removed from her home.  That visit quickly turned into one of many.  There were phone calls, we celebrated holidays, a birthday, enjoyed movies and shopping.  And even though I knew deep down our family was not the final answer for this child, the thought was always in the back of my mind.

Recently someone said to me, “What do you think your family could provide for this child that another  family could not?”  That stung, but it was exactly what I needed to hear.  Suddenly the words “letting go” began invading my thoughts.  And then it hit me-maybe our purpose had simply been to provide love and friendship during a year of uncertainty and confusion, and that was ok.

How appropriate that on this day, one year later, I receive word of a foster home placement.  Today some of my tears are selfish because I will miss her, but most are grateful-grateful for caring foster parents and a fresh start for our precious friend.  I hope to share more about this past year’s experiences in the future, but today tears must fall as I once again learn how to let go.

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens…”

Ecclesiastes 3:1

Coffee

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My earliest memories of coffee stem from my Grandma Mahar’s house.  Always a fresh pot brewing, Grandma was glad to share a cup.  She had nine children and twenty-six grandchildren, so someone was bound to stop by for a visit.  Visit is the key word, because in our family, drinking coffee meant conversations around the kitchen table.

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Several years ago I realized coffee for me equates to a comfort food due to this strong childhood connection.  Not only does it provide literal warmth, it also provides fond memories of growing up in a family that talked, listened, argued, disagreed, and loved, often over a cup of coffee.

Today getting coffee is a common social convention.  Whether it’s friends visiting, a nervous first date, a job interview, each may be witnessed at the local coffee shop on any given day. Some may consider the practice routine or mundane.  As for me, an invitation to coffee is neither.  It’s an invitation to talk, laugh, maybe even cry-enjoying the time our paths are allowed to cross.

Coffee

Fancy or Plain

Black or With Cream

Home or Coffee Shop

Makes no difference to me

Coffee

Warmth and Comfort

Friendship and Family

Laughter and Memories

More than it appears to be

Strength in Numbers

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Sometimes I think we are misguided in our striving for independence.  A “taking on the world alone” mentality is not the way we were meant to live.  Don’t misunderstand, there are certain things we need to learn to do for ourselves.  As parents for example, we teach children to take care of basic needs and encourage them to grow to be confident adults.  However, we must take care not to promote independence at the expense of missing out on important relationships.  We all need loving, supportive people in our lives!  Each of us will experience being “someone in need” or “someone who has the ability to meet a need.”  That has certainly  been true in my life.

My prayer today-courage to ask for help when needed and willingness to offer help when able, accepting the strength that comes in numbers-numbers of extraordinary people who cross my path.

“No one should seek their own good, but the good of others.”  I Corinthians 10:24